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I've been on a home video binge. My family mocks me. "Oh, you're just watching yourself again!" There are five full DVDs of JUST ME. I blame it on being the cutest child ;) But truly, it is so fun for me to go back and see how happy of a little child I was. And so smart. And so funny! And so pretty. 

Sometimes, I think "What happened?!?!" And some things (like how I like things just so, how I am bossy, how my little sister copied my every move, and how I was so uncomfortable in front of the camera....) carry through to adulthood! It's fun to look back and notice the changes and notices the things of same. I'm still OCD, and I'm still pretty high maintenance, because I like things my way. My sister still wants to be me (a trait manifested in the form of stealing my clothes) and I still hate how I look and sound on camera! I was pointing out to my mother, that I could remember how I was feeling on stage during those plays or how pretty I felt in my dance costume. I remember detail well. As the saying goes, it's a blessing and a curse. 

Looking back, I am left with two options. Live in the past of who I was or look forward. I choose to propel in the direction of growth. Now, this requires change -- good thing Jesus is constant. It makes me think. Whew! God saw that beautiful 3 year old Terrin, toothless 6 year old Terrin, dancing 8 year old Terrin, insecure 12 year old Terrin, unsure 15 year old Terrin, sad 18 year old Terrin, AND He sees His transitioning 20 year old Terrin. He knew who that little 3 year old turned out to be. He knew the bad habits that would follow me here - He loved me. He knew the beautiful things that would come out of my ashes - He loved me. How lovely it is, 

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."

1 Corinthians 13:12 

On I go, living and unfolding the "me" that God sees, the "me" that God fully knows and fully loves. Though my eyes may be shadowed with the circumstances of today, I shall once day have a fuller perspective -- all along putting faith in the hope that God FULLY knows. Though I feel as if I have lost vision of the true Terrin, God fully knows. And He is beginning to show me that He makes beautiful things out of the gross, ugly, dirty, and broken. He is showing me that Terrin is not lost. She is being refined into who she is supposed to be. The confusion and hurt and unknown is part of getting there. That "social butterfly" Terrin is still there, and she is coming back. She will be happy and carefree and "always smiling" and "laughing at everything" again. God hasn't forgotten. My vision is foggy. He fully knows.