It's about to get real.
Right now, I can't channel my talent of sentence fluidity or abstract descriptions or beautiful writing. I'm gonna be short, choppy, scattered, and maybe even grammatically incorrect. But that's just how it goes. Life is messy. I'm a mess.
Yeah. I wish I could fix all my problems with the snap of a finger. Honestly, I miss the times when life was easy for me. Relaxing summers, easy homework, parents got along, financial stability, boys chasing after me, success in sports.... basically everything a teenager could ask for and more.
Welcome to the real world, chump.
Maybe I'm just having a really, really, really bad case of the 'Mondays' but as with everything in life, I seek to learn something from every situation: good, bad, and everything in between.
I've felt like for the past three years, everyone was rooting against me. Life was getting harder every day I woke up, and it wasn't stopping. I couldn't get a grasp of my life. Everything was spiraling out of my control.
This time was different though, or so I thought. We're really on the up and up! But are we? Is the damage too great? Am I unfixable? Is my family permanently destroyed? What is hope?
This spring I was on a total 'thank-you binge' and trying my best to reach out to everyone who helped me through this past dark season in my life. I was trying to show them how good I was doing now and how dandy life is and everything is all smiles. But the cold hard truth smacked me in the face.
I can't be fixed in just one year... I can't expect for 3+ years of damage to turn around and be perfectly put back together in just one year. That's unrealistic, and if I'm real honest (oh, how I struggle to be honest with myself) might be totally and completely impossible.
I'll never be the same. I couldn't get a grasp of my life. Everything was spiraling out of my control... BLAM!
Lesson: Maybe, my life is in better hands, when it's not even in my control. Maybe a complete surrender of my lowly life to the Most High would be everything I need. It would be enough. Maybe it's better that I'll never be the same. Through the trial, I've discovered the most important thing to me: my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves me despite all the baggage I carry, the scars I wear, and the shame I try to hide. Maybe the gratitude I feel towards Jesus and his endless love for me will spur me to take drastic measures in faith in honor of Him, giving all the fame to Him. And maybe, just maybe, there's hope for me.
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