Look Up

I stopped trying to "find myself" and decided to seek God. 

This is a quote from the book All In, written by Mark Batterson. It really got me thinking, because as college cliches go, this is the time in my life, where I'm supposed to "learn a lot about myself" and "discover who I really am." While that's all fine and dandy, I find that if I get caught up in that way of thinking, I end up focusing on myself too much. Then quickly comes the feelings of how I just will never live up to the expectations that society has put on my hair, makeup, body, grades, personality, and the like. 

Some reflective thinking about who you are and how you perceive the world is perfectly okay, I'm just cautioning you that it is a risky path. Besides, no label could ever truly describe who you are. For example I am an INTJ according to Meyers-Briggs personality test (the rarest of types for women), but does that mean there isn't ever a time where I can be outgoing? Heavens no!

Define yourself by one thing and one thing only: a loved and redeemed child of God. 

When I stopped looking at myself and shifted my eyes up towards the cross, life became infinitely better. An attitude of gratitude overflowed from my heart. I didn't want to spend all my money on myself to help my image, but rather God replaced my selfish heart with a giving one. Things changed for me, and they will for you too. His promises hold true. Look up!

Hold Nothing Back!

I just finished this book by Francis Chan called "Crazy Love" and it has challenged me in multiple ways in my faith life. Here's one of the quotes that hit home:

"We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises."

Throughout the last year of my life, God has been incessantly placing the word "surrender" on my heart. Over and over again, I was being attacked with the message to stop putting my faith in myself and give it ALL to God. Trust Him with my hopes, dreams for the future, job, love life, career path, money, absolutely all of it.

If I dig a bit deeper, God was really working in my life, as a series of events led to my revelation of surrender (the moment when it hit me square in the face and I couldn't avoid such a clear message any longer!). June 26, 2013 was the first time I ever decided to give Jesus 100% of my life. I'd given him parts before, sure. Maybe even 80%, but never had I ever gone all in with Christ. I never gave too much, wanting to avoid the risk of losing (my money, friends, job, life...whatever).

June 26 was when everything came to a halting stop, and for me - it just clicked. My faith in God doesn't have to be questioned when hard times come. His righteousness is proof of his faithfulness. Over and over again, God shows us that He is faithful. We can take Him at His word. His promises are true! We can rest knowing that those promises are for His children, and that good things are yet to come for those who believe in Him.

It's an everyday choice. Just as I have to shower, brush my teeth, and eat breakfast after I have to wake up, I have to consciously decide Jesus over all of the other things this world can offer me -- appealing or not.

But the point of this life is not to arrive safely at death! Live as if God will hold to His promises (because He will!!) and let that faith emulate through ever area of your life. Hold nothing back! No secret sin, no regret, no relationship, no choice. Because, N O T H I N G can separate you from Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-9). You are never too far gone. Today, right here, right now, as you read this blog, Jesus loves you. And He is on your side. He yearns for a relationship with you. He will come through. He HAS come through for you on the cross. Let that soak in. Jesus loves you so much that He would become man, live on this earth, and pay for your ugly sins with His perfect life.

Believe that. Once you truly do, it will change the way you live.

Al-a-ka-zam!

It's about to get real.

Right now,  I can't channel my talent of sentence fluidity or abstract descriptions or beautiful writing. I'm gonna be short, choppy, scattered, and maybe even grammatically incorrect. But that's just how it goes. Life is messy. I'm a mess.

Yeah. I wish I could fix all my problems with the snap of a finger. Honestly, I miss the times when life was easy for me. Relaxing summers, easy homework, parents got along, financial stability, boys chasing after me, success in sports.... basically everything a teenager could ask for and more.

Welcome to the real world, chump.

Maybe I'm just having a really, really, really bad case of the 'Mondays' but as with everything in life, I seek to learn something from every situation: good, bad, and everything in between.

I've felt like for the past three years, everyone was rooting against me. Life was getting harder every day I woke up, and it wasn't stopping. I couldn't get a grasp of my life. Everything was spiraling out of my control.

This time was different though, or so I thought. We're really on the up and up! But are we? Is the damage too great? Am I unfixable? Is my family permanently destroyed? What is hope?

This spring I was on a total 'thank-you binge' and trying my best to reach out to everyone who helped me through this past dark season in my life. I was trying to show them how good I was doing now and how dandy life is and everything is all smiles. But the cold hard truth smacked me in the face.

I can't be fixed in just one year... I can't expect for 3+ years of damage to turn around and be perfectly put back together in just one year. That's unrealistic, and if I'm real honest (oh, how I struggle to be honest with myself) might be totally and completely impossible.

I'll never be the same. I couldn't get a grasp of my life. Everything was spiraling out of my control... BLAM!

Lesson: Maybe, my life is in better hands, when it's not even in my control. Maybe a complete surrender of my lowly life to the Most High would be everything I need. It would be enough. Maybe it's better that I'll never be the same. Through the trial, I've discovered the most important thing to me: my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves me despite all the baggage I carry, the scars I wear, and the shame I try to hide. Maybe the gratitude I feel towards Jesus and his endless love for me will spur me to take drastic measures in faith in honor of Him, giving all the fame to Him. And maybe, just maybe, there's hope for me.