Transparent

Maybe you have noticed the background of this blog, which reads:
"Come As You Are"

Well, it just so happens that the inspiration of this blog comes from that very thought. I believe that life is more beautiful, more fulfilling, more scary, but more worthwhile when you are vulnerable. However, this is not such an easy thing to do. It's the biggest obstacle in my faith walk right now, as I struggle to let go of my pride and be transparent about my struggles. That is a huge deal in a society that pushes you to "put your best foot forward" and "disguise your weaknesses as strengths." But as a Christian, it is so important for you to be open and honest to God, yourself, and others about where you fall short.

James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

The sound of that is so nerve wracking! I don't want people to know my secrets, I don't want to be thought of as weak, and I certainly don't want people judging me for my mistakes. Oh, no no no! BUT- as soon as I shift the focus off of my selfish self and onto my beautiful Savior, those thoughts drift away. That's ultimately who I define myself as, right? A child of God saved by the good grace of my Redeemer who loves me beyond comprehension!

There are hurting people (people just like me) who need to come to the saving knowledge of what Jesus has done for them. By being humble and honest about the dismal places I have walked through and the revelation I have seen in my own life, I can reach people and point them to Light in this dark world.

Ernest Hemingway says, "Write clear and hard about what hurts." And I'm gonna do just that. 

Faith: As easy as 1, 2, 3?

{Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.} Romans 12:12

As someone who loves to bake, assemble things, organize, and make lists, it is very easy for me to fall into the trap of checking off things from my "spiritual to-do list." Read my Bible: check! Pray: check! Go to church: check! But God does not want me to go through the motions of being a Christian. He wants a relationship with me! 

Surely, there is no three-step plan that you can follow that will lead to a fulfilling life, but applying Romans 12:12 to my life, I look at this as a piece of advice that I can bury in my heart and let it fester and infect every part of me. I want this to radiate from my pores. I want to ooze a passion for God. Romans 12:12 gives me a good look in what that looks like. 

As a child of God, my perspective and lifestyle should coincide with this verse. 

1) Joyful in hope - Yes, I can be joyful because I know that no matter what happens in this world, I have a Living God, who is watching over me and preparing a place for me in heaven. I can be joyful, because I know that Jesus loved my sinful self so much that He took my place on the cross and intercedes for me with the Father. Because of Him, I will have life eternal. 

2) Patient in affliction- So often, I want to be bitter. Life has given me a rotten hand of cards, and here I am left to deal with the aftermath of the mess. I want to scream and cry and pout until someone feels bad for me. Oh no, missy! I try to surround myself with reminders so that when I feel those emotions, I can stop in my tracks and pray for patience (another fruit of the Spirit). My high school chemistry teacher once told me "You must have the patience of Job." HA! That's the opposite of what I feel. But with God, I CAN have the patience of Job, because I have the knowledge that Jesus has already conquered the world (John 16:33) and with that, I can weigh the menial obstacles of this world against the eternal glory of Christ Jesus. No brainer!

3) Faithful in prayer - God is my best friend. He is the best listener, provider, counselor, and savior. He can redeem me from my vices, but also redeem me through my iniquities. He knows everything about me, but yet, He still wants me to tell him about my day and be in constant communication with Him. I am at a point in my life, where I favor being in His presence. I delight in it. There are seasons of ebbing and seasons of flowing in which I "feel" close to God. That doesn't matter. Ultimately, my feelings don't matter. Belief > Feelings. My belief in Jesus Christ trumps all else. What a gift! 

A relationship with Jesus is NOT 1,2,3. It's accepting His grace. It's receiving His love. It's spending time with Him. Praising Him. Exalting His name above all else. Don't miss out! He's got great things in store for you and me :) 

JOY!

"Joy is not a natural response to life but it is a miraculous response! Joy is a “fruit of the Spirit” and not of your personality. Joy is not a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances but is a miraculous moment in a dark world when His presence is revealed to you."

This quote was in a devotion I was reading earlier this week. This perspective on joy really rocked my world. I had a happy childhood, and good times came naturally to me up until the past 5 years ago, but still I believed deep down in my heart that I shouldn't be encountering troubling situations. And when I admit the ugliness of my heart, I even believed I deserved to have good times and nothing but good times. 

I remember in this one Christmas card waaay back my mom had described me as "a happy, social butterfly." For some reason, that description stuck in my head. In high school, there was a shift in my personality, however, and I began to not live up to that depiction of me anymore. I felt this something was wrong with me. 

Well, it didn't take long for my world to be completely turned upside down. I fell into a downward spiral consumed with negative feelings, tearing my ACL, losing my identity, my dad's job loss, rumors upon rumors, ending up at a college that was not my ideal choice, and my dreams slipping through my finger tips. I could write a novel.  Through it all, I went from being deeply saddened to numb and then to angry. WHY WASN'T MY LIFE PERFECT? 

Newflash! We live in a fallen world filled with broken people, and left alone, we would have no hope. But we aren't left alone. Jesus came to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10).

So now with this new outlook on JOY, I can be thankful for all of the little things that make my day go right. I can be happy, and when I am happy, I can know that it is a blessing from God to feel anything at all. Being happy isn't "natural" and I shouldn't expect happiness from this world. But when I do experience it, I can search for God's hand, and find it there. With this knowledge, I fight to no longer look to myself or this world for happiness. My God, is it a fight. This world is dark, but Jesus is light. Amidst my circumstances, Jesus gives me the gift of joy. He gives me Himself. AND it get better - He offers everlasting joy, if only we choose to accept it. Yes, Lord. I choose You!

“Black is not sad. Bright colors are what depresses me. They’re so … empty. Black is poetic. How do you imagine a poet? In a bright yellow jacket? Probably not.”

—	Ann Demeulemeester

I am a new creation.

I really like poems. I like reading them and expressing my thoughts through them. I see poems as a puzzle, in which you are trying to arrange your thoughts ever so perfectly to fit into this mold. It's powerful. Poems have the potential to communicate deep themes of love, lust, grief, betrayal, loss, and redemption. Personification, alliteration, and rhyme scheme all play their part in creating this picture for the reader to understand what is trying to be conveyed.

Recently, I have been overcome by a bout of overwhelming sadness and occasionally, some ugly thoughts accompany my mind. But I've making strides to believe that I am not defined by those negative notions. I am not defined by what I think about myself. Who am I? I am a new creation.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

What freedom there is in believing that despite my choices, Jesus calls me a princess. My Savior willingly chose to suffer and to die in my place so I wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of my actions. I am loved beyond compare. But Jesus doesn't just save me and then forget about me. No! He is a living God, who knows me from the inside out and calls me by name to be His child.

The best thing I can do when I am experiencing emotions as overpowering as those I have been feeling as of lately, is to make some tea, sit down, listen to worship music, open my Bible, and sit in His presence. Shifting the focus off of myself and towards My Redeemer helps me cope with whatever circumstances I am facing. This perspective has changed my whole life. I'm able to face the tough days with a joy in my heart, even if I may not necessarily feel happy.

So today, I choose to dwell on Jesus and not on my thoughts. I choose to give Him my life, and in complete surrender, I know Jesus will replace my despair with hope.